• Sally, looks good so far, you have probably the first third of your essay here, or maybe just under a third, but a good portion. I’ll be interested to see how you finish out the theory section and apply it to the texts. In your conclusion, you should extend some of this American Dream from […]

  • Good start. I suggest doing a few things to make this sound more formal. First, imagine your audience is the same as that of the Golash-Boza article. In other words, imagine that your article (your final essay) is for publication in that journal. Next, refer to Rodriguez’s text as autobiography and also as narrative rather […]

  • Tatiana, this sounds great so far–I can really see the academic discourse voice taking hold. Keep in mind that you should refer to your “essay” as an article itself. So, for example, you should write, “In this article, I will debate . . . ” and so on. Pretend you are writing for the same […]

  • FOR ESSAY 4 Evelyn, great job, I like how you gave a quick summary of the educational history and your migration story, and tied this in to your current experience, and your motivation for achieving your goals. Be specific about the name of the schools you attended, and under what authority? Be specific? ABC School, […]

  • salvarez commented on the post, My merits, on the site QC English 5 years, 4 months ago

    FOR YOUR ESSAY 4 Michele, great job, I like how you gave a quick summary of the educational history and your migration story, and tied this in to your current experience, and your motivation for achieving your goals. I have a few suggestions to make for this, with the hopes that it would tie things […]

  • Weiqing, another well-written and smart essay. I hope you keep this essay and continue to revise it into the future. Hopefully you will add some material about volutneer and leadership experience. My suggestion is not to write: “I have not decided my major yet.” Don’t show what you haven’t done. Reword this to something like: […]

  • Stefanny, I really like how you brought the essay back to your grandmother at the end. That’s called a “frame” and it’s a smart way to organize the essay, and to let your audience know you are wrapping things up. You were very specific with what details you gave above. With your Ph.D., how will […]

  • Nabeela, you have a wealth of volunteer experience here. One thing to enhance this, which is already specific, is to be just a bit more, mentioning neighborhoods (especially in Queens), your high school name, also make sure you say things like “Now at Queens College” and not just “Now at college . . . ” […]

  • Mollie, great statement, I like how you expressed both the intimidations and value of diversity in schooling experience. Your persepctive will be a unique one for your audience who see education from the other side. As an engineer, how will this diversity you’re experiencing now contribute to what will make you successful? What kinds of […]

  • I suggest getting rid of that first sentence, and begin straight with your brother, getting specific right away. Unlike the last essay where you go from general to specific, this one is short, so you have to be quick to the specific. Also, give all your brothers’ names, don’t refer to them as “my brother” […]

  • salvarez commented on the post, Essay 4, on the site English 110 5 years, 4 months ago

    Joseph, nice job. You show your responsibility with your work experience. You should also mention your neighborhood by name, being specific, and also if your plans in the future mean living in the same area or elsewhere–being specific of course. What kinds of programming are you planning to do? Making games? Managing a game company? […]

  • salvarez commented on the post, My Merits, on the site eng110 5 years, 4 months ago

    Danna, for your Essay 4, Personal Statement I like how you began with an anecdote, but again, be more specific. You don’t have to use the girl’s actual name, but give her a name. How you have her here is fine, but being specific will give your voice more authenticity, or ethos. Let’s just pretend […]

  • Supreet, good work on this essay, sorry it took so long–this is why it’s important to meet the deadline in the first place, because when things are late, I have to put them off because I’m constantly grading–I notice your scholarship essay is not up, for example. At any rate, I see the PIE structure […]

  • Verbs: actions, words that denote action   To be / ser I am/was                      we are/were You are/were She/he is/was they are/were   is, am, are, was, were, be, been, being –Circle “to be” verbs on your classmate’s draft –Count how many “to be” verbs, and write this on his/her draft –Go to the paragraph that […]

  • Method of organization/structuring academic discourse One example of essay structure: Intro Theory section: close read of critical theory/criticism Application to text A: application of theory to first novel Application to text B: application of theory to second novel Conclusion: Step back and reflect, or draw comparisons between the texts Re-states thesis and findings, moves on to future research, or potential leads […]

  • The way society is structured one’s intelligence is measured by credentials. I believe that there is more to it than one’s G.P.A. in school. There are students who do not and sometimes cannot apply themselves in school for whatever reason but in no way does this mean that they are not smart.

    What happens when a […]

  • Evelyn, I’m leaving comments for your Essay 3 here. — Evelyn, I can see some great work happening on this essay, and with some slight revisions, you’ll really be able to see some of your finest work this semester. First off, what you have in terms of analysis makes a lot of sense, and I […]

  • Michelle, I’m leaving comments for your Essay 3 here. First, though, when writing your personal statement, you could use the questions the scholarship form asks in order to structure things. I would not suggest using subtitles for your personal statement though. —————— Essay 3 Michelle, some great writing here. Some of your best. I like […]

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